


Can't Find Paradise On The Ground

by Shesfearless



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Emotions, Episode: s03e05 Hakeldama, F/M, Feelings, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-24
Updated: 2016-03-24
Packaged: 2018-05-28 17:59:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6339607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shesfearless/pseuds/Shesfearless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And so Clarke Griffin is right back to where she started- in a cell, locked up for treason.</p><p>Except now she has Bellamy. He stands outside, and he’s facing away, but she knows that his face is contorted with the pain of guilt, and the emptiness inside him is taking over, because no matter what he says, she knows who he is. He can try to deny it, he can try to change it, but he will always be the loving boy who was willing to kill to protect his sister.</p><p>Octavia doesn't kick that guard's ### and save Clarke in Hakeldama<br/>Title is from All We Do by Oh Wonder<br/>I like angst</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't Find Paradise On The Ground

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, Hakeldama showed over a month ago, but you know, I'm still not over it so I'm still going to write fanfiction about it.  
> To be fair though, I'm pretty sure some people still aren't over the season 2 finale and that was almost a year ago

"The mighty Wanheda, who chose the Grounders over her own people."  
"You left me. You left everyone."

It was almost funny how right he was. Because after everything Clarke had done for her people, she left them. She didn’t even belong with her own people. They were fighting against the Grounders, and she was ####### living with them. She used to be a co-leader, and now she was an outcast. But it wasn’t like she belonged with the Grounders, either. And, Hell, now that Skaikru had rejected the coalition, the Grounders were going to treat her more like ####, if that was even possible.

"People die when you’re in charge."

If she could, she would have gone back in time to keep her out of this. When Bellamy asked her who would make the rules, she would have told him that he would. He was a good leader, a great leader. It was just that Clarke had to go and screw him over. Because when she was left in charge, hundreds of people had died. An entire civilization had died because they had put her in charge. And in the time that she had been gone, how many people had died? Maybe ten? Not even close to the maybe 400 that died with Clarke in charge.

Because Bellamy Blake was right. Pre-war Clarke would have denied the thought was ever thought at all, but war changes people in terrifying ways. It’s almost even more terrifying to see the same people when given peace.

These people were so used to war, they were creating it themselves.

And so Clarke Griffin is right back to where she started- in a cell, locked up for treason.

Except now she has Bellamy. He stands outside, and he’s facing away, but she knows that his face is contorted with the pain of guilt, and the emptiness inside him is taking over, because no matter what he says, she knows who he is. He can try to deny it, he can try to change it, but he will always be the loving boy who was willing to kill to protect his sister.  
She hasn’t had a trial yet. But she knows her fate. And it won’t be one that is decided by a Chancellor or a Counsel. Her fate is her own, and she decides it. The people around her change her, and those changes influence those decisions, but they will always be her own.

“You were right. I’ve killed so many people. If I tried counting all the people who died while I was in charge, I would lose count. And I’m sorry. Because maybe if I had just left you alone, we wouldn’t be here. Maybe if I hadn’t been such a know-it-all control freak I could have saved a hell of a lot of people.” He doesn’t turn around, but she can hear his breathing, more rapid than before, a little out of control. 

“You know, if tried counting, I’ve killed over 900 people. I killed all those Grounders at the Dropship. I let all those people in TonDC die. I pulled a lever that killed 381 Mountain Men.” He sniffles a little, and she knows that if she had said this earlier, he would have reminded her that they did it together.

But it was still her choice.

“But I didn’t choose to be the Wanheda! I don’t want to command death! I don’t want to be special!” Her voice breaks and her eyes tear up. And she puts her left hand up her right sleeve to take out a blade.

“And so if I killed all those people, almost one thousand people, then hey, what’s one more?” He turns around, and there are tears streaking down his face, but she can’t see, because her eyes are on her wrist.

“No, no, Clarke, NO!” He screams as he desperately tries to open the doors to get to Clarke, as she slides the blade against her skin and blood flows from her wrists like a river made of blood.

“It isn’t your fault,” she whispers. Bellamy opens the door, flings them open, runs to her side. “There is no way I would rather die than with Bellamy Blake at my side one last time.” She smiles a little, but it doesn’t stop her final tears from falling.

“In peace may you leave the shore,” He says. His tears land on her pale cheeks that are running out of color. She closes her eyes, her final submission to death, and he doesn’t know if he can do this, if he could even live, because Clarke Griffin had been something he took for granted. He had said before that he couldn’t lose her, but in his mind, she was too strong and too stubborn to even die.

“In love may you find the next,” He sobs, and he realizes that she is too stubborn. She is too stubborn to die by anyone’s hand but her own. She is too stubborn to let anyone but her decide whether she is to live or to die. He holds her red and bloody hand and remembers all the times that he has done it before as something simple, something that would never change.

“Safe passage on your travels,” he whispers, barely making out the words. He thinks of her eyes, blue and bright. When he first saw a river, he thought of her eyes. They were blue and shiny but never one shade of blue all the time. He thinks of the eyes that are closed in submission and the eyes that he will never look into again. He vows to himself to look into the eyes of his friends and he vows to remember them. He vows to never take them for granted.

“Until our final journey on the ground.” The ground should have been their dream. It should have been paradise. In paradise, Clarke wouldn’t have killed herself. She wouldn’t have killed anyone. She wouldn’t need to. They could have been happy. In paradise he wouldn’t have yelled at her. He wouldn’t have arrested her. In paradise they would be carefree, and she would be a teenager. Because in those last moments before she closed them, if you had looked in her eyes, all the youth in them was gone. She was forced to grow up faster than any girl should.

“May we meet again.”

She lets out one final breath.

And he screams.

Others come running at his scream, but they don’t dare walk in the cell.

Bellamy cradles her body, and the both of them are covered in the blood of Clarke Griffin, but it doesn’t matter to him, because his partner, his co-leader, the only one who had loved him and forgiven him unconditionally, was gone. 

So he screams and he cries and she stay still. She stays silent and so he is loud for the both of them.

There is a crowd outside the cell but it doesn’t matter to him because his princess, his brave princess is gone and she would have come inside and helped him up and cleaned the blood off his hands but she was gone.

And Bellamy stays and holds the lifeless body of Clarke Griffin until he exhausts himself from crying and screaming and he fall asleep. If you had looked at that scene from outside you would have thought they were both dead, and there is a part of him inside that wishes that were true.

He dreams of her, but it’s less of a dream than a memory. He dreams of when they met, when she came storming down just to order him not to pull the lever that would set them free. He dreams of the bunker, when she says she needs him and brings him back to his family: not only Octavia, but the 100. He dreams of Unity Day, when she finally lets loose, sheds her uptight skin and has fun for once. He dreams of the simple things, of hands touching and eyes meeting. He dreams of their “may we meet agains” before she disappeared for three months. He dreams of when they do meet again, for the brief moment of pure joy before he is thrown on the ground and she begs for his life.

When he wakes up, Monty is there, trying to pull him up from Clarke’s body.

And he looks into Monty’s eyes.


End file.
